Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Top 10 Ways You Know You've Gone Froggy.

Now that I'm back in France, and I've conquered my jetlag, I've had some time to reflect on more than a few things. Being in the states--specifically--in Brooklyn for such an extended stay has made me realize something.

I've become terribly French.

Nothing like a trip back to the US to make you understand just how much your sensibilities and ways of thinking have changed. There's really no fighting it:  I am a complete AmeriAngloFranco Hybrid Freakshow.  The Proof?

Top 10 Ways I Know I've Gone Froggy.

1.  I very strongly believe that lunch should take at least 1.5 hours. There should be a law.  Seriously.

2. If you invite me to your house and within the first 10 minutes you haven't offered me a a drink, preferably a glass of wine, I will likely write you off as a heathen.

3.  During casual social gatherings in the US I have to constantly remind myself to just say "hello", but DO NOT lean in for a kiss unless I want to get some very confused and slightly horrified reactions.

4.  (And speaking of  casual) I'm terribly over-dressed for almost every occasion.

5.  If you add up the price of the 300 bottles of perfume and over-priced facial moisturizers in my bathroom closet, the resulting number would FAR exceed what I paid for my first car.

6.  I only smile when absolutely necessary.  It prevents wrinkles.  I do however enjoy a trip to the tanning salon where I pay good money to be baked until slightly crispy and I have reached a bronze color that I refer to as "Will Smith".

7. I iron all of my clothes, including my socks and undergarments...and resent those who do not.

8.  If I'm at a restaurant and the waiter brings be my check before I ask for it, I subtract 2.5% from said waiter's tip.  Mean...but true. (Please refer back to item #1 on this list.)

9.  If I don't have coffee after every meal I become intolerably grumpy. I'll even drink that swill that Starbucks calls coffee if necessary.  Just gimme the f*cking coffee!

And last but not least, on the list of ways I know I've gone froggy....

10.  I find very politically incorrect and/or inappropriate sexual jokes totally acceptable as polite dinner conversation. Don't believe me?  Invite me over for dinner sometime and I'll tell you the one about the really tall lady and the midget.