Last night I killed Jean Claude Van Damme .
We were wrestling for the gun, but I got control of it by spraying Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume "Lovely" into his eyes like mace.
After I got the gun, slowly checked to make sure the safety wasn't on, and then while Van Damme was screaming in agony and rubbing his eyes, I shot his sorry Franglais-speaking-ass right through the heart.
But he deserved it---He had just kidnapped me and taken me out to the woods to kill me and bury me under a bunch of fluffy white styrofoam packing peanuts.
After I was caught for his murder I was sent to a teenage girls' reform school from out of the 1950s.
As I was being booked for murder when another girl came in handcuffed. I asked her what she was in for. She said she had escaped and tried to leave the country but she had forgotten to take her passport. I told her I wouldn't make the same mistake.
WARNING: Mom, stop reading here and scroll down to “Note”.
Later in that night in the cafeteria, I was eating dinner with the "probie" from the TV show Rescue me. We discussed gay porn for awhile and then I asked him if he wanted to get it on with me and Brian Kinney from the TV show Queer as Folk.
He said yes, but our plan was foiled when my best friend from 4th grade, April, showed up and cock blocked.
NOTE: Mom, you can start reading again here….although I know you read the above part anyway.
After dark, I made my escape and fled to Mexico---without my passport. The next day in Mexico, I was sitting on the beach watching a group of children play. One by one they were taking turns running to leap off a cliff and diving into the deep sea water below. It looked really fun...until I noticed that just below the surface of the water was a GI-normous mutant Japanese Koi with its mouth wide open. Each child that dove off the cliff would land safely in the water, only to be gobbled up whole by the giant fish.
As I sat and watched each child be swallowed whole by the giant fish I sat and pondered how somehow this whole scene was a metaphor for life in general.
And then I woke up.