Monday, January 19, 2009

Fat in France.

Before I forget I want to say two things:

1. In all my years of blogging, I have never enjoyed reading comments from this blog more than I did over the past week or so while reading the responses from the last post. You guys---are hilarious.

2. I know I posted my e-mail address last year, but please don’t be offended at my tardy replies. I’m busy doing stuff like watching TV and eating candies.

Which not so coincidentally brings us to this post’s topic: I’m fat.

I have only passive aggressively whinged about my weight issues on this blog because let’s face it---who doesn’t want to lose a few pounds? Nothing earth shattering or clever about that. I originally thought about making a whole separate blog about me and my weight issues, but then again, having a an entire blog devoted to discussing my fat ass could render me suicidal so I nixed that idea almost immediately. Instead I’ll just talk about it here.

Now I haven’t been a size 6 since I was 19 years old, and I don’t ever plan on being one again, but let me put my weight concerns into perspective for you. Since moving to France I have consistently gained 10 lbs for each year I’ve been here. As of last month I’ve been here 5 years. Do the math. 10 lbs x 5 years = Fat Ass. So let me just give out a free piece of advice to anyone reading this blog who might be considering moving to France: If you are a carb-addict American with a sluggish metabolism, who wants to lose weight, and quit smoking, perhaps France is not the country you should move to. Duh?

Anyway, I have no one to blame for this but myself of course and I do take full responsibility. I love to eat. Always have. I’m a foodie. I plan entire vacations around restaurants I want to eat at. Having a few extra pounds kinda comes with the territory. But over the last year it’s become a bit of a nuisance. You see. French people are small. Very very small. They are small people , with small little bird-like frames. I am not French. I am not small, nor do I have a small bird-like frame, unless you’re counting those huge carnivorous dinosaur birds that are in the movie 'Jurassic Park'. This makes buying clothes in France a real pain in my double-wide ass. I graduated years ago from regular clothing stores to the “specialty” stores where the French sizes range from 44-56. Doesn’t that just sound wrong?

I don’t complain a lot about my weight on this blog much, but in reality I do quite a bit of whinging and making fun of myself. All in good fun of course. I have a healthy self-esteem. I have mad love for all the junk in my trunk. I just wish I could fit my junk into at least a 46 so I could shop at the normal stores. Anyway, years of hearing me complain about my weight while two-fisting cupcakes must have finally pushed FrenchBoy over the edge because a year or so ago, after listening to me complain about having nothing nice to wear for the millionth time, he just turned to me and said “Look, if you ever manage to lose those 50 lbs, I’ll give you five thousand euros. And then you can go out and buy all new clothes.”

I knew he said it as a joke to get me to shut up, but I held him to it. And he agreed to honor his off the cuff-remark. Yeah, you read that correctly. If I lose 50 lbs. My Frog is going to give me 5 frickin euro Gs.

But before you get all excited, please remember that he originally said that back in 2007 I think. This is 2009 and not only did I not lose the 50 lbs, I added 10 to the amount I really needed to lose.

And here I am 2 years later, still fat in France.
So, no muffins for me. *shrugs*

"No muffins for you." courtest of the super cool Natalie Dee.


SDG said...

Good luck to you. I gained about 30 in 5 years and am a total fatty mcfatterson. I began my "lifestyle" change at the beginning of this month. Cut out a ton of sugar and feel much better.

Go for the Euros girl! Make it happen.

Anonymous said...

In a similar boat MadameK. I've got 8 months to drop 20-25 lbs and look fantastically gorgeous in a wedding dress.

Wishing you the best. Will keep following for inspiration on my own quest.

Ksam said...

Well, if it makes you feel better, I always think you look fabulous in all of the pictures you post.

And I keep gaining weight here as well - I'm like the only person on the face of the Earth who actually loses weight when she goes back to the US!!!

By any other name said...

You know I think you are a beautiful person (you remind of Jill Scott!) and hair almost as awesome as mine ;) I'm in your corner. I think the easiest way to lose weight is exercise and you feel good too. I mean 5,000 euros!!! 100 euros per lb... Oh, I'd hate you so hard if you don't get those funds.

raynaae said...

have u tried the Dukan 'diet'? I lost 20 lbs this summer on it. yes it doesnt include muffins or sugar ( use stevia or splenda), but u lose weight quite quickly eating whole grains and lots and lots of protein.

Yes...I lost 20 lbs this summer and then proceed to gain 10 back because Ive been in the US for the past 3 months around the holidays and all the blasphemous snow were having in the nyc area. Look into it, it's similar to atkins but it worked great if you buy only the things you're allowed to eat.

5,000 euros in 2007 money is worth way more in 2009!! go for it!!!

Anonymous said...

10 lbs. per year over 5 years? ugh! that sounds like me - and i don't even live in france!- once i went into advertising. now mind you, i was no twiggy before, but i had always managed to get the weight back down to what some would consider a reasonable level whenever it threatened to get ridiculous. i remember going back to the u.s.a. to shop for size 11/12 and 14 when i still worked in frankfurt. boy, i had some cute office clothes then! but all those years of eating out with clients on the company dime, surviving on coffee and candy bars from the cafeteria when i wasn't wining and dining a client, and late-night, booze-tinged dinners with co-workers whinging about clients took their toll. to add insult to injury, now that i have gone into business for myself it seems to have gotten worse. before i didn't have time to eat regularly. now the fridge is often my last anchor when my mind freezes over the text for a new article or some such truck. ok, fashion-wise i'm still no slouch (thanks largely to a mom who loves to shop and pretty much knows my size and tastes), but stuff just doesn't look the same in real life as it does in my head. yep, i'm that snazzy, 'portly' lady wishing she had worn more sensible heels!

Camille Acey said...

€100 a pound is a SWEET deal.

Do not go on a diet. Change your life. Find a gym. Go to it. A couple times a week. Read The New Rules of Lifting for Women. Read Make a plan, and lift some weights. Buy a jumprope and jump. Read Mark's Daily Apple. Say goodbye to bread and cakes. Have more sex. Get a trampoline. Eat at home more often. Get awesome new cookbooks or use the awesome cookbooks you already have. Cook. Eat more meat and vegetables.

You're beautiful either way, but I think you would be happy if you could even get to €2500 and stay there. One healthy day at a time!

Keep blogging, we're here for ya!

Anonymous said...

Mme. K, get busy before you hit the dreaded peri-menopausal years. You've still got time! Do it now! Take that €5k and have a ball.

Torie said...

LOL! I love it! U make me laugh with every post! I also feel your pain. I went from a size 8 to a 18and I am now a 14. UUHHGG! I have the triplets to thank for that. Gained 87lbs during the pregnancy. But they are 2 now so ther is no excuse for me still being over weight. Other than the donuts, bread, pop tarts, chips, dips, etc., etc...I can go on all night. I can only imagine what the food is like there. Wine and cheese, oh heaven! But, I have decided to do something about it. I have joined the gym and am now doing the south beach lifestyle change. The food is really good. It take a while to make though. But if u have the time it is really good. Just do it. U dont have to be a slim jim, but just get to a point where u are comfortable. Good luck and get that money! :)

Leah said...

If it makes you feel any better, I gained 10 lbs per yr for the first 2 yrs and then 5 this past year. I really want to get to my pre-college(aka pre-France) weight because I feel like that's totally doable and more reasonable for my height and age. So, you're not alone and I agree with ksam about thinking how great you always look in photos. Keep on keepin on!

Madame K said...

You guys crack me up.

Yeah I look OK in photos as long as I don't stand sideways or...breathe.

Anyway, good news: at 100 euros a pound, I've earned 500 euros so far!

Raynnaae---Whats the "Dukan diet"? It sounds very sci-fi.

Camille---"Say goodbye to bread and cakes." What is the effing point of living if I cannot eat effing cake and bread?

Shanster said...

Well I'm with Ksam - I think you are gorgeous and fun and French Boy loves you... those are the important things!

I guess ultimately it's about being comfy in our own bodies. I'm sorta resigned to my flab. As long as I can still do what I want and I'm not inhibited by my extra weight.

I figure I'm almost 40 and dammit I've EARNED it... the right to eat my effing cake! I figure I'll never be happy with my body so I avoid mirrors.

I do try to eat healthier cuz I think it will just keep getting harder as I get older... but yeah. I just LIKE eating. I like chewing. I like the act of putting food in my mouth. I like the taste o' food. I like the look of food, the smell of food. I like the full feeling in my belly. Food. I LIKE it and everything about it!

kuesooM said...

Wow...I cld have written that about 10 pounds in 3 months.....not good. I'm in AMS and just do not understand how they can all eat all these carbs..piles of it, and stay slim. Heck NYC I ate healthy and hardly any carbs...went home for xmas and folks were like....WTH happened to you in not good!

Joined a gym, so hopefully will get back to my pre AMS weight, which was not even all that! Good luck to you..think of all those clothes you can buy with the cash.

zetagirl said...

Hey Miss Lady! I've been following your blog for a minute and never posted. You are HILARIOUS! I so want to go to France because of you lol. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to go on this journey with you on the sidelines. I will look forward to you keeping us up to date on how well you're doing. Already, you're very enccouraging. Take care and keep up the good work. By the way, you're absolutely beautiful regardless. God Bless.

American Black Chick in Europe said...

I know this is an old post, but I thought I'd chime in anyway. I completely understand the gaining weight in France thing. I lived in France for 6 months and managed to gain 8 pounds in the time period after years at the same weight. Something about France (and my LOVE of food) totally put the weight on me.